Collection of SHORT JOKES!

1.       A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?

B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.

A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.

B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

2.       Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".

Student: I is the....

Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

3.       A man receives a phone call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."

The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."

The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"

The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

4.       A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?

B: Ok

A: A white horse fell in the mud.

5.       If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

6.       Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?

Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

7.       Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?

Student: No, he did it all by himself.

8.       Two cows are standing in a field.

One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"

The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

9.       A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.

10.   Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.

Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.

Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

11.   Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

12.   Two goldfish in a bowl talking:

Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?

Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?

13.   A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.

B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

14.   Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"

Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"

Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

15.   Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?

Johnny: Nothing, sir.

Headmaster: Exactly.

16.   Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"

Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

17.   Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!

18.   Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

19.   The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'

The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'

The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

Source

[jokes]Ghost

Ghost..

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Damn, from back there I thought you said "Goats."

Source

7 Practical Strategies When Facing Failures

When failure stares you in the face, you may just wish to be somewhere else except where you are. However, deep down in your heart you know that failure is just delayed success! Just because you fail once or twice, doesn’t mean that you will fail forever. To get up after falling on your face, whether figuratively or literally, might require a gigantic heart, and lots of courage and creativity. Below are some practical strategies when facing failure :

Rule 1 : Be solution focused!
Instead of being problem focused, which means putting all your effort into analyzing why a failure happened, you can channel all your creative energy into being solution focused. This means that you are centering your mind on finding different solutions to the problem(s) at hand. If you have read The Secret – the book about the laws of attraction – this solution focused can derive positive results because you are attracting positive energy instead of negative energy (problem focused).


Rule 2 : Keep in mind that you may have to try a few times before success happens
What if you fail more than once? What does that tell you? Did you really give it your best shot? Or are you only doing it half heartedly- not giving it your best effort. In which case, is it something that you really want, or is it something you’re doing for the sake of it. Ask yourself if there is something else that you would prefer. Or perhaps – you could look at it from another angle – it was never meant to be, but there will be a better option for you at a different time. Just not this time.

Rule 3 : Don’t blame everyone under the sun
When failure happens, most people try to find scapegoats to explain why they didn’t succeed. This may be damaging and may lead you nowhere. It may also lead you to gaining more enemies than friends. You can always blame someone else – but should you? Will you spend your energy on doing so? If you have done your best, then the control is beyond you. It is in the hands of God, the divine, it does not matter which religion you believe in. We often say that humans plan, but God decides. Try your best and don’t worry about what is beyond your control.

Rule 4 : Stop negative thinking
Anytime you feel you are in a downward spiral – you need to physically remind yourself to stop thinking negatively! Sometimes it helps to look at the mirror and tell the person staring at the mirror (YOU!) to just stop it and move on. Downward spirals can be very damaging, and the more you think negatively, the more you will be caught up in its toxic path, dragging you lower and lower until you cannot get up. So you need to clip negative thinking before it overtakes your life!

Rule 5 : Always have Plan B, Plan C, Plan D and more
Having worst-case scenarios can also cushion your fall. Instead of falling straight down, you can have backup plans. Some people don’t like having too many alternative plans – but some actually take comfort in having many different alternative plans so as not to be bogged down by an unsuccessful Plan A. The number of alternative plans is up to you as an individual. But make sure you don’t only have one grand plan and have left everything else up in the air.

Rule 6 : Whatever you do, don’t give up
There was a man who didn’t have arms and legs who was very inspiring because of his spirit. He told many people that it could be very easy to not get up because it was too difficult (for him it was almost impossible!) But his sheer determination got him up, when he exerted his super human effort to roll around to get up. It was just inspiring and unforgettable. For you who have complete arms and legs there is no reason for you not to get up when you fall. The difference was his determination to succeed. And that he did!

Rule 7 : Smile even when your heart is breaking
There is actually a song by Natalie Cole, with the lyrics, “smile even when your heart is breaking!” It seems funny you should do that when you feel like crying and want to be on your own. Try smiling and feel how that affects you. As they say laughter is the best medicine. I would say have the courage to laugh at your own mistakes, take charge and conquer!

Rule 8 : Accept the failure
You have to accept your failure, and when you're accepting, you will not resisting and you'll be more stable. It's great to accepting things, whether it is good or bad, you'll have a more and more compassionate heart and mind. But i know it is easy to say but hard to do, we always get angry when we're facing problems and failures
Source

100 WAYS OF SAYING WELL DONE

1. That’s great
2. Good job
3. Excellent
4. I appreciate that
5. That’s looking good
6. Good work
7. Great work
8. You’re doing well
9. Good to have you on the team
10. You made the difference

11. Exceptional
12. Thanks for the extra
13. Wonderful
14. That is so significant
15. Superb
16. Perfect
17. Just what was needed
18. Centre button
19. A significant contribution
20. Wow
21. Fantastic
22. Thank you
23. Just what the doctorordered
24. First class
25. Nice job
26. Way to go
27. Far out
28. Just the ticket
29. You are a legend
30. Very professional
31. Where would we be without you
32. Brilliant
33. Top marks
34. Impressive
35. You hit the target
36. Neat
37. Cool
38. Bullseye
39. How did you get so good
40. Beautiful
41. Just what was wanted
42. Impressive
43. Great
44. Just right
45. Congratulations
46. Very skilled
47. I’m glad you’re on my team
48. It is good to work with you
49. You did us proud
50. This is going to make us shine
51. Well done
52. I just love it
53. You are fantastic
54. Great job
55. Professional as usual
56. You take the biscuit every time
57. I’m proud of you
58. Don’t ever leave us
59. Are you good or what?
60. The stuff of champions
61. kracking job
62. First class job
63. Magnificent
64. Bravo
65. Amazing
66. Simply superb
67. Triple ‘A’
68. Perfection
69. Poetry in motion
70. Sheer class
71. World class
72. Polished performance
73. Class act
74. Unbelievable
75. Gold plated
76. Just classic
77. Super
78. Now you’re cooking
79. You are so good
80. You deserve a pat on the back
81. Tremendous job
82. Unreal
83. Treasure
84. Crash hot
85. You beauty
86. The cat’s meow
87. I just can’t thank you enough
88. You always amaze me
89. Magic
90. Another miracle
91. Terrific
92. What a star
93. Colossal
94. Wonderful
95. Top form
96. You’re one of a kind
97. Unique
98. Way out
99. Incredible
100. Ace

Short inspirational Story: 'Your life is a reflection of you...'

"A son and his father were walking on the mountains.

Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"

He receives the answer: "Who are you?"

And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"

The voice answers: "I admire you!"

Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"

He receives the answer: "Coward!"

He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"

The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."

Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"

The voice answers: "You are a champion!"

The boy is surprised, but does not understand.

Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.

It gives you back everything you say or do.

Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.

If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.

If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.

This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;

Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE. IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!"
Sumber

Steps to Personal Fulfillment

Everybody knows:

You can't be all things to all people

You can't do all things at once

You can't do things equally well

You can't do all things better than everyone else -

your humanity is showing, just like everyone else.

So:

You have to find out who you are and be that

You have to decide what comes first and do that

You have to discover your strengths and use them

You have to learn not to compete with other -

because no one else is in the business of 'being you'.

Then:

You would have learned to accept your own uniqueness

You would have learned to set priorities and make decisions

You would have learned to live with your limitations

You would have learned to give yourself the respect that is due -

and you will be most vital mortal.

Dare to believe:

That you are a wonderful unique person

That you are a one in all history event

That it is more than a right, it is your duty to be who you are

That life is not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish

You will be able to stay on top of what used to get you down and achieve the impossible.

Sumber

(Inspiration) The 30 Most Satisfying Simple Pleasures Life Has to Offer

1.        Sleeping In on a Rainy Day

As the rain beats lightly against the window, you nestle your head deeper into your pillow. The sound is soothing and your bed feels like a sanctuary. There is no place you would rather be.

2.        Finding Money You Didn’t Know You Had

You reach into your pocket and find a money from the last time you wore these jeans. You aren’t rich, but you are richer than you were a second earlier.

3.        Making Brief Eye Contact with Someone of the Opposite Sex

You pass her on the street or in the subway. She glances up at you momentarily, making direct eye contact in a way that seems to communicate a subtle curiosity. For a split second it makes you think… and then it’s gone.

4.        Skinny Dipping

There is something mysteriously liberating about being naked in a body of water. You are naked, but it feels natural, a sense of unrefined freedom.

5.        Receiving a Real Letter or Package via Snail Mail

E-mail has become the primary source of written communication. Most snail mail these days is junk mail. When you check the mail and find a real letter or package from someone you know, excitement overtakes you as you tear into this rare gift.

6.        Making the Yellow Light

It’s one of the most common simple pleasures, the act of beating the pack. As you blaze through the yellow light you glance in your rearview to see all the cars behind you stopping at the red light. Yes! You made it!

7.        Telling a Funny or Interesting, True Story

One of the most enticing roles you lead in life is that of the storyteller. You love to share stories, especially those that will captivate your audience with deep curiosity and humor. There are few things more satisfying than telling a true story that others enjoy listening to.

8.        Seeing a Friend Stumble Over Himself

As you walk across the street with your friend, he fails to accurately address the curb on the other side. He trips and stumbles around momentarily before regaining his footing, then swiftly attempts to play it off like nothing happened. This can be a hilarious sight if the moment is right.

9.        Hearing the Right Song at the Right Moment

It doesn’t matter what the setting is, hearing the right song for that moment is one of those simple pleasures in life that instantly lifts your spirits. You could be driving home from work, hanging out at a bar with friends, or jogging. When the right song rattles your ear drums the entire meaning of life seems crystal clear.

10.    The First Sip of a Beverage When You’re Thirsty

You just finished mowing the lawn or taking a long jog. The only thing on your mind is an ice-cold glass of water. When you are really, really thirsty, that first sip of any liquid beverage is sheer bliss.

11.    Catching a Glimpse of Bare Skin on the Opposite Sex

For guys, it’s when the waitress bends over a little too far. For girls it’s seeing that buff guy in a Speedo. Either way, when you see a bit more skin than you were expecting on the opposite sex, you can’t help but to smirk on the inside.

12.    Saying the Same Thing Simultaneously

There is a moment of silence. Then all of the sudden you and your friend blurt out the same exact set of words simultaneously. This rare occurrence is something to smile about.

13.    The Pull-Through Parking Spot

You pull into a parking spot and are delighted to see the availability of the parking spot immediately in front of you. You pull through to the spot in front so that when you return to the car you can drive forward out of the parking spot. Why? Because driving backwards is a pain in the butt.

14.    Realizing You Have More Time to Sleep

Something abruptly awakens you and you think it’s time to get up. Then you squint over at your alarm clock and realize you still have 2 more hours to sleep. A warm euphoric feeling shoots though your body as you glide gracefully back to your dreams.

15.    People Watching

Sitting there on your bench you can see people in every direction. Tall people, small people, thin and plump. Blond, brunette, and redhead alike. Each of them has a different stride and a unique expression. As you drift from body to body you are mesmerized by what you see.

16.    Putting On Clothes Straight from the Dryer

As soon as the dryer buzzes, you pull out your clothes and put them on. They feel soothingly warm on your skin and emit a fresh-scented aroma into the air. A sentiment of ease comes over you as you head out to conquer the day.

17.    A Familiar Smell

You just pulled into your parent’s driveway and opened the car door. You haven’t been home in a long while. You smell familiarity in the air, the scent of a large pine tree in the neighbor’s yard. As you head through the front door, more familiar smells consume your senses. Gosh, it feels good to be home…

18.    The Feeling You Get When Your Idea Works

You have been struggling to resolve a complex problem all day and you just can’t seem to get it right. Filled with frustration, you decide to exercise one last idea before calling it a night. You’ve had many ideas before that failed miserably… but this time it works.

19.    Fresh, Clean Bed Sheets

You yank at the corner of the bedspread to create just enough space to slide your body under the freshly cleaned sheets. The sheets feel cool to the touch. Everything seems so clean, like nobody has ever slept in this bed before.

20.    A Beautiful View

As the car veers around the side of the mountain you gaze out the passenger window. It’s a clear, sunny day and you can see the entire valley below filled with wild flowers and bright green vegetation. The scenery reminds you of something you once saw in National Geographic. But here it is live, right before your eyes.

21.    Reminiscing About Old Times with Your Closest Friends

Pink Floyd once said “the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime”. There is no simple pleasure more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.

22.    Receiving an Unexpected Compliment

It’s been an average day. Nothing really great has happened, but nothing terrible occurred either. This monotonous day has put you in a dreary mood.  Unexpectedly, an older, attractive lady taps you on the shoulder, calls you “handsome” and says she loves your shirt. The day just got a whole lot better.

23.    Having a Good Laugh

Laughter is the greatest cure of all. Life is extraordinary in the moments when you are laughing so hard you can barely breathe. These moments of deep laughter are divine in the sense that they cleanse your mood and set your mind on a positive track.

24.    The Feeling After a Healthy Workout

It’s a giddy feeling of self accomplishment; the one true activity that actually makes you feel better and look better simultaneously. When you walk out the front door of the gym you are on top of the world.

25.    The Celebration in the Instant Something Makes Sense

Even now that it has explained to you for the third time, you just don’t understand how it works. Everyone else seems to understand but you. Then out of the blue the dots connect in your mind. You finally get it, and it feels great!

26.    Relaxing Outdoors on a Sunny Day

As you relax sprawled out in a lawn chair, the sun warms your skin and a light breeze keeps the temperature comfortable. Birds are chirping merrily in the trees behind you. You are at complete peace with the environment.

27.    Holding Hands with Someone You Love

Every time she grabs your hand you are overcome with an awareness of how much she means to you. Holding hands is sensual and physically intimate, yet subtle. There are few people you allow to hold your hand, so when it happens you can be sure that the moment is special.

28.    Playing in the Water

Water marvels people of all ages. From jumping in puddles as a child, to doing cannon balls in the pool as an adolescent, to enjoying a cocktail in the Jacuzzi as an adult… water is enjoyable.

29.    Making Someone Smile

You notice that your colleague has been under a great deal of stress with meeting a deadline, so you take it upon yourself to complete one of her indirect responsibilities for her. As soon as she realizes what you did, she comes into your office with a big smile on her face. “Thank you”, she says. You just hit two birds with one stone, because making her smile just made your day.

30.    Finishing What You Started

You just finished up a big project you’ve been working on for the last few months, or maybe you just finished your first marathon… Either way, you finalized what you set out to accomplish. The feeling of self accomplishment you get when you finish what you started is by far one of the most rewarding simple pleasures life has to offer.

Sumber

Story: Tale of Two frogs

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them

fell into a deep pit. When the other frogs saw how deep the pit

was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The

two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit

with all their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop,

that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs took

heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down

and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again,

the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He

jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the

other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to

them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the

entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1. There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging

word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it

through the day.

2. A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes

to kill them.

Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your

path. The power of words... it is sometimes hard to understand

that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak

words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in

difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time

to encourage another.